Be Careful How you Decorate For Christmas

Have you seen this? It is going around in e-mail. So funny!
Ahhh, it won't let me cut and paste here in a post. Anyway, the person says they had to take this down after two days because so many people were coming up screaming at the door. I like this person!

Alabama Laws

Alabama
• A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.
• Incestuous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.
• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• It's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."
• It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Masks may not be worn in public
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.
• No persons may sell "blow-out nuts".
• Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.
• Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
• Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.
• The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.

How NOT to advertise your items for sale

This is a listing off the Huntsville, AL Craigslist. Can you tell what the person is selling? They actually have the same item listed twice with one photo on the first listing and one on the second listing.

Did you guess the cabinets? Nope. Both listings are for a retro 1950's blue and white table with 6 chairs for $350. This is like photography gone bad. One, can we see more than the tops of a couple of chairs? Second, I would do all things possible to avoid getting the messy, opened cabinet in my photo. I guess I am just a little weird, but how about cleaning off the top of the table and actually photographing the table. The scary thought.... what if they are avoiding a mess? One that is worse than what they photographed. Um, Clean Sweep, we have a project for you.

Disclaimer: I know that people outside of the South think Alabama is full of hicks that can't speak well and marry their relatives. I am here to say that although the above person seems to be someone without cleaning abilities or much skill at pointing a camera at an object to photograph, they only make up a small portion of people living in our wonderful state. I am sure there are people without skills in your area of the country as well, so please do not pass judgement on us. Let's all learn to live together and love one another.

Hurt Feelings Report

This is too funny!

Here, let me get you a bandaid for that

Edit: I did NOT do this, I found this somewhere else, but they didn't do it either.

Could they not just let it go?

I mean, really! Are they that proud of her affilitation with Alcoholics Anonymous? It even has anonymous in the title, so are you supposed to print this in your obituary? It is put in the same sentence as her membership with the church. Did she make someone mad because she didn't leave them enough and they thought that to publicize her alcohol problem would be fun?

Message to my family: Please leave off any mention of how I yelled at that insurance lady that time, okay? You don't have to tell that I cry every time a policeman pulls me over for speeding and so I never received a speeding ticket. And, you don't have to list blogging as my occupation.

How to pierce your ears with a pear

The top two google searches that are leading people to my blog lately have been from my post How to pierce your ear with no pain and my post where I shared how I made pear preserves. Apparently, there are a lot of people who don't want to pay for the earrings so they can get free piercing from someone with a gun and experience. And, pears must grow on trees because people sure have so many they need to preserve them. But, today the looker for "how to pierce your ear with a pear" search just downright tickled me. I did warn you here that I have a silly sense of humor. I wonder if they hurt themselves with the pear hitting themselves in the ear trying to make a hole. I guess if you could do it to someone else it would be better. I personally would have chosen a pineapple.

Quirkiness Validated as Normal!

Just when I was feelin a little too quirky for letting y'all all in on my quirky personality traits in this post, it is confirmed that my beliefs about fairs and carnivals are justified and totally normal. I am not just antisocial to the old ladies with tatoos. I am right about the whisky drinkin carnival mechanics that are high school dropouts and runaways to the carnival. Check out this news story off of Fox news.

Florida carnival-goers made a daring rescue of a toddler Saturday night after it had been dangling from a ride after an apparent malfunction, MyFOXOrlando.com reported.

The mother, who was not identified, desperately clung to her child while suspended about 35 feet in the air on the “Crazy Bus” ride while horrified onlookers watched. When she lost her grip, people standing below the ride were able to catch the toddler, MyFOXOrlando.com reported. Later, firefighters rescued the mother with a ladder.

Neither the mother nor her child was significantly injured in the incident.

Witnesses said the mother and child were getting off the ride when it unexpectedly lifted back into the air, MyFOXOrlando.com reported.

First, I know this happened in Florida. If you look at a map Florida and Alabama are very close. In fact, the Panhandle of Florida, where we used to live, is tucked up under Alabama. People call it LA for lower Alabama. So, the same guys that put together the rides in Florida move to Alabama next week for our fair. Can't you just see old Bubba down there holding up his whisky bottle to that poor mama shouting, "Let that baby go, Mama, I'll catch her." He has a mullet, tank top and dirty jeans, and a big ol chew in his mouth. Who is going to the fair now, huh? Just remember I warned ya. If you still go, tell Bubba hi. Here is a photo of him.


I wanted to see if there was a photo for this post and found these articles you might enjoy reading
Drunken dad drives off with kids hanging out the door.

I don't know how to post videos so check out this!

This is what Bubba, the amusement ride operator does when he visits MawMaw.

I'm Sorry I Love You

Last night my 12 year old and 8 year old came running in the house and into the kitchen. All we heard was two slaps. The 8 year old hit her so she whacked the mess out of him back. My husband and I tried to get all the reasons and punished them. At the end we told them to hug and say they were sorry. My kids went up and hugged each other and said, "I am sorry I love you." We were giggling that it came out that way.

Call your doctor if you drive while you are asleep.

What!!!! I love the warnings on drugs. This is hijacked from the Lunesta website:

Lunesta helps you fall asleep quickly, so take it right before bed. Be sure you have at least eight hours to devote to sleep before becoming active. Until you know how you'll react to Lunesta, you should not drive or operate machinery. Do not take Lunesta with alcohol. Call your doctor right away if after taking Lunesta you walk, drive, eat or engage in other activities while asleep. In rare cases, severe allergic reactions can occur. Most sleep medicines carry some risk of dependency. Do not use sleep medicines for extended periods without first talking to your doctor. Side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, drowsiness and dizziness. For more information, please see the Lunesta Medication Guide.

If you are asleep how do you know if you drove or walked or ate? Um, doesn't that make you feel so good that they know this happens and you could be driving behind or coming head on to a Lunesta driver? Hopefully they dream they are a good safe driver not a speed racer running from the cops. How did you get so fat? Well, I drive to the take out and eat while I am asleep. Just wierd! Anyone want to try some Lunesta? Strap me in at night, baby, I took my Lunesta.

Funny Moments with the Kids

My 18 year old had 2 friends over Saturday and they were in our front room watching a movie. My 15 year old son came home and then disappeared. I asked my husband if he was in his room or was he watching the movie with the girls. My 8 year old said, "Why? Are you worried that he is making love?" My husband and I looked at each other with big eyes. I asked him if he knew that meant having se** and he said "No" and turned red. I guess he thought it meant flirting with the girls. He doesn't really know what se** is but I have tried to be open with the word and say things like it is what men and women do when they are married to make babies.


I was reminded of this funny after seeing Megs post about funny conversations with her kids. I figured I needed to write it down for my memory. Do you do that? I forget all the funny things they say and really need to record them more. Thanks, Meg, for making me remember to keep these times in my memory.

So true!

Don't you love the lights that make you look pasty white? And, how about the three mirrors so you can see the rear and side views? Isn't it much nicer to be at home with a mirror that only shows the waist up and you can live in a fantasy world that you look as cute all the time as you do standing straight and smiling when you check yourself out in the mirror. Reality of the room of mirrors bites.

My funny story.
Years back we drove from Niceville to Pensacola, an hour away, to shop. We went in Parisians. They had a "T" shaped rack with too many clothes on the arms. The kids were walking in front of me and my son held his hand out letting the clothes brush against it as he passed. I saw it, but I couldn't stop it. The rack began to fall and I lunged forward trying to push kids out of the way to get to it, but I failed. It fell over and hit the next one up, it fell and hit another one. Three racks of clothes all sprawled over the floor. I was quickly trying to pick it up and a lady that worked there was so sweet and told me not to worry about it. Well, later I went in the dressing room and the door would not open. Noone was in there so I had to begin shouting for help to get out. I had 3 kids outside waiting on me- me hoping that they weren't up under racks or running around the store. Luckily, I was released and the kids had not knocked over any more racks. We left and got home as fast as we could.

Can't I still be a bargain hunter?

I forgot to mention what my 11YO-12 in two weeks- daughter said yesterday. We went and bought the sectional and ottoman, bought stuff at the thrift store, bought stuff at Hobby Lobby (I spent 2 hours in Hobby Lobby. Went in at 12:20, told the kids we would get lunch after this one more stop, came out at 2:00, STARVING. But, who needs food when you can get high on shopping?) My trunk was full to the ceiling because along with all my stuff that I posted about I bought big honkin curtain rods for the two windows in that room. My daughter looked at me and said, "I thought you were a bargain shopper! Look at how much you have bought. You are not being a bargain shopper, you are spending too much money." I think she just thinks I am spending her birthday money.

The Unexpected

While I was waiting for my family to get off the river raft ride where you got soaked so I didn't want to go on because I am not crazy to get wet in the cold, anyway, I was waiting, and there was an Indian family that walked up and sat beside me. The mom had her head covered and she and the man were talking in an Indian language. A little boy walked up and I was caught off guard when he spoke to them and in the most sounthern accent said, " my butt is wet." I couldn't help but laugh out loud because I expected him to talk in Indian language or at least with an accent and he was southern. We are all one small world aren't we?

How To Nicely Let Someone Know They Are Talking Too Much

Child 1 (who constantly talks and will not stop when you tell him that you heard it or to stop talking) Blah, Blah, Blah. ( He was saying something like that)

Child 2 (looking at new watch with a timer) Let's see how long it takes you to finish this sentence.

Tip of The Week

I was lurking around on www.stretchingabuck.blogspot.com and she had a tip I thought I would share. She said that if you get white deoderant marks on your dark clothes to take a black, dark brown, or navy sock and wipe it off. You don't need any water and it is supposed to really work.

My question is why does your sock have to be dark? Does the deoderant stain know how to tell colors? Is it biased towards certain colors. I want to know if a white, tan, pink, or light blue sock would work. We have also received some funky socks with monkies on them. Do you think the monkies would eat the stain? And, what about the striped and argyle socks?

I also think that a good tip would be that you not use a perfectly good sock. Use one of your left behinds that is sitting in a basket in your laundry room waiting for the possibility of being reunited one day. They deserve love too. By the way, how long should we wait for a mate? You know as soon as you do the deed and throw it away the roaming partner will come back. Decisions, decisions, decisions,

Still Pregnant?

I got asked today: "If a lady is pregnant and the father dies, is the lady still pregnant?"

All I can figure out is that I have told them that you have to have a male and a female to have a baby. I guess my child thought that if one of them died before the birth of the baby the baby would also die.

What would you do if your nose was running money?

You have to see the previous post to understand this!
Here is my top ten list...

1. Pay off our mortgage as quickly as I could blow.
2. Go buy some clothes that fit and are cute. I would quit waiting to lose weight.
3. Hire someone to complete all the remodeling jobs.
4. Go on a really good vacation and enjoy the snow that we can't seem to get here.
5. Take the devil dog from previous post to obedience/potty training school.
6. Go to the store and buy all the food and stuff we need to stock up on.
7. We have 5 personal friends who are serving as missionaries- I would send big packages to them with all the things only found in the states, and support them financially more.
8. Let my children get music and horseback lessons that we can not afford now.
9. Give to the building fund at our church.
10. Have fun finding people to bless in our daily lives. I would love to pay peoples bill at a restaurant or give really big tips to hard working waitresses.

Hilarious video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egCeIwjIuZM
Make sure you stay with this to hear the song! I guess this shows my adolescent personality, but I did notice the audience looked older than me, so I guess I am not the only one. Enjoy!

Napolean

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader: Napoleon was the ruler of the French empire. Was Napoleon his first or last name?

My Blonde One: First! First! First!

Me:(amazed that homeschooling has taught him so much information!) Well if it is his first name, what is his last?

Blonde One: Dynamite.

One of the other questions was what is the singular form of lice. The Contestant said li/lye. The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders on the show said lice. I said louse. I was right. Yeah me!(Can you tell we watch the Suite Life? I am doing the little hand clap too.)