God in the good and the bad

I hold back from writing this because I am not sure if I want it to be told. My only reason to do so is to ask for prayer. I do not like attention or to feel that I am held in a spotlight. I deeply respect people who can sing solos and act on a stage, because I would rather you sit and poke my eyeballs than to do so. I am very comfortable sitting back and watching people. Even then I feel as if I draw unwanted attention to clap loudly or sway to the music or hold my hands up. It is a curse of being a true dork. So here I go....For about three weeks I have had stomach pains. I went and had an Upper GI and it showed a Hiatal hernia and spontaneous reflux. After a few days of taking Nexium I was not relieved and still having pain so I went back. The next day I was scheduled for a CT scan to look for lower digestive problems and cysts on my ovaries.

The day after the CT scan I recieved a call at 11:00 with the results. She told me that it looked like I have a tumor on my pancreas and that they made me an appointment with a surgeon at 12:15. I told her I was to teach a class at 2:00 and she said that they really wanted me to get into the doctor that day. The tone in her voice was evident that I needed to go. The surgeon was more positive and said that it is a posiblility that the spot on my pancreas could even be something that I have had from birth and just a weird thing that is not anything to worry about. Or, it could be a tumor. He did say that a lot of people can develop cysts that are nothing to worry about but the radiologist that read the films did not think it looked like it was just a cyst and was concerned enough that we need to check it out. I also have a 22 mm cyst on my ovary which is nothing of concern.

My next step is that on Wednesday I have an appointment to schedule an endoscopic ultrasound. They will put an endoscope into your stomach that has an ultrasound thingy on it and can better see the spot on my pancreas. He also can biopsy it if it is suspicious. Then, we would go from there.

I covet your prayers. I understand to a small degree that I might have cancer and in the near future have surgery, go through radiation, and possibly chemo treatments. It is also possible that nothing is wrong. That one is not as believable with my symptoms, but it could be nothing major. I do know that I have a true relationship with Christ and can depend on Him to walk with me through whatever the future holds. It may be bad but that does not change who He is or His love for me. I pray nothing is wrong, but more than that I pray to stay in His will though whatever comes.

When I was a teen I knew God's word and I often said and did what I knew to be right. In my heart I was on the fence with God. His word says that we can not be lukewarm. He spits us out of His mouth- Revelation 3:15-16. I wanted God's insurance plan of where I would go if I died, but then wanted to choose my friends and life. I thought God would make my life holy and boring with really dorky friends. I finally came to the end of what I could do and had my life in such misery that He became my only hope. I was ready to do it His way. Is it easy- No. Do you still have problems- Absolutely. But, you have a friend that is there through each and every trial. Each trial produces endurance and discipline and teaches you more about who God is and how much He cares for you. I have that friend and assurance... do you?

Joy Cometh In the Morning

Thanks for letting me sit a moment in self wallowing pity yesterday. I am glad I don't have to live there. What a difference a day makes!

My husband opened the dryer and the belt was really worn. It is only $11.00 but it is the motor that is not working so he looked up what that would cost. It is only around $160.00 for a new motor so it is worth replacing the motor and belt rather than buying a new dryer. Mine is about 10 or 11 years old so it is old, but not ancient. It isn't harvest gold or anything. My MIL said hers is over 20 years old, probably older than that because she couldn't remember.

My husband went to work early and called to tell me to look at an email he sent me. They made a ruling at work company wide and ruled that they had to pay certain employees time and a half for overtime rather than just straight pay overtime. They are going back and paying the extra half from the time and a half (they already paid the straight time) for the period from the past year. He looked and thought he only had about 60 hours because a lot of it he just took comp-leave. Well, they sent the pay statement for the check that will be paid Friday and we are receiving $2300.00 after they took out almost $1400.00 in taxes and that other stuff they get you for. My husband isn't real good at figuring out his past overtime and you now know who does the books at our house. I want to add that we are in a building fund phase at church and recently had to commit to a three year period stating what we felt led to give. I struggled with this very much because the preacher was saying not to look at your budget and go that way, but to pray and commit by faith. I totally have faith and know and trust God for an ability, but didn't feel right committing blindly. I really felt like I should pray and if God wanted us to give above our budget that He would provide it to commit before actually committing. I looked at our budget- because I don't listen well and really LOVE to look at the budget- and after paying everything we had $45.00 we could eek out each month. I know, I wanted to cry. We went back in income to move here and did it knowing that we were going back to a strict budget, but giving up having to work extra. Well, we prayed about it and committed a much larger amount by faith. We figured that we could give our income tax return and any overtime and that God would provide. The year hasn't started and He has provided some of what we committed and we know that the rest will come.

It is 9:00 AM and I am letting the kids sleep. It is very unusual for them to stay in bed this late. I am not doing school but am going to focus on washing up the rest of the clothes and finishing my garland making for my stairway. My husband saw the wire I used to wire ornaments to the garland and he got a funny look on his face and asked me if that is what I used. It is sauder. All I need now is a blow torch and some flux and those ornaments won't come off until you break them off.

Holly fact: I can sauder. Yep. When I worked in pediatric dentistry we had to make spacers for kids that lost a tooth early. It holds the space open until the new tooth grows in. You fit the band and then use wax to secure it into the mold. Then I would bend a wire to go from the band to the next tooth. You then bend the wire towards the tongue along the next tooth. You then sauder the wire to the band. Working in orthodontics I got to make all kinds of wire bends. The orthodontist would tell us which gauge wire and to put a certain bend or a stop into the wire at "this" tooth. I really liked doing that. I think I would like to make jewelry. My friend, Jamey, that worked in dentisty started making jewelry.

Well, they are waking up and I am ready to get going. I need to finish shopping for our Dirty Santa gifts this weekend with our families.

Somewhat refreshed and the ugly inside me

I am really glad that I took a little time this week to step back and just try to get life a little more under control. I don't feel so squeezed from all directions.

One of my head struggles is something that you know with your head is wrong, but your feelings aren't coming along for the ride. Our church is beginning a building campaign for a new sanctuary. I was asked to serve on the finance committee to raise funds. What I understand is that this our group will come up with ideas of ways to raise funds. I am gathering thoughts and ideas to present when we actually get started.

My struggle has been two fold. My first struggle has been that we gave up extra income to move to Alabama so that we would not have to work extra jobs. We went from having a lot of money left over to a very strict budget again. That is okay with me since I love to be creative and make it work. My problem is that in looking at what we can give to the building fund I do not feel it is anywhere near the amount I would like or feel led to give. I totally trust God to provide and increase our ability and am willing to really sacrifice to give.

This is where my next internal struggle has been. Before I hear from you about how wrong I am, I know my thoughts are wrong, that is why I am struggling. I am trying to find the place and ability to place it before God- AND NOT PICK IT BACK UP! If I am cutting out all external fun things, sacrificing by cooking with less meat and adding rice and beans, and doing without I am seeing my thoughts churn when the ladies at church get their nails done weekly and the men are golfing and I see people going out to eat all the time. Generally, I am struggling with sacrificing and seeing people who aren't. They may be giving 20X what we can and still have money left to do their nails or golf or go out to eat. My spirit wants to say that they should be giving equal sacrifice- it is not the amount given.

There- me in the raw flesh- poured out in all my ugliness. I know that what we give is between us and God, and I should not be concerned with what others give. It is a great opportunity for them to learn how to give and may be an area in their life where God is growing them. Don't you hate it when you know you are wrong, but still have the feelings? I know with some time before God I can find that place to lay it down and I feel that this weekend I have moved in that direction. Hopefully, admitting it in front of the world will help me to deal with it, instead of keeping it hidden.

I am considering looking for a couple of kids to watch after school each day. If I could find a couple in our school district that could ride the bus here then stay until their parents got off work. I thought that that would provide more for us to give. I would also like to begin crafting again when we finish more of the projects around the house. I really want to give with great sacrifice so that our church does not carry a debt for the building. I anxiously wait to see how God builds the building that our church needs. How people are grown and learn to trust God for their needs and sacrifice to give. I am sure there will be many testimonies of faith and God's provision.

Fall Break and Goals for October

We are on Fall Break this week. My son still has football practice daily and games on Monday and Friday so we are not able to go anywhere this year. I am going to use this week to finish some projects and weed through the house. The weather has been beautiful this week. It has been in the 70's to mid 80's.

My goals for the week are to weed out and prepare for a garage sale. I get back clothes in two weeks from the Kids Mart that do not sell, so I am planning on selling anything from that and whatever else I can find around. I already went through our computer CDs and got all the computer games and software. I am sick of clutter everywhere! Each day I need to go through one room and really organize it and look for stuff to get rid of.

My projects that I would like to do this week are:
.Finish painting a desk that we got at a garage sale
.Sew my media room pillows
.Paint the master bath
.Sew daughters curtains
.Sew Master bath curtains
.Hang shelves in office area
.Make memo boards for daughter
.Paint garage sale frames and mats
.Take photos of the kids
.antique the bookshelves in family room and light in kitchen

I already posted that I plan to not spend any money on food this week- but, I will use gift cards and store bucks for bread, milk, and butter. For the month I need to keep it at $500. I have spent around $600 the last two months. I need to build our stockpile so I really need to order coupons and start really kicking it up to find the deals.

Our electric bill should go down since it has been cooler.

I need to use this week of Fall Break to focus on starting an exercise program. I will do good for a few days then always let it fall aside. This is like the Fifth Christmas that I don't want to take a family photo to send out. I sent one of just the kids last year. Isn't that so sad? I wanta be in the family, too!

I am not spending any money at garage sales because I have enough projects. I plan to go to Kids Mart on the final week when everything is marked down. My boys only have one pair of jeans and my 10 year old does not have khaki church pants, so if I could find a couple of pairs of jeans and some khakis that would be great. My 12 year old needs some tops. I found her size 0 jeans and khakis at the thrift store. I paid $4.00 there, but size 0 pants are hard to find. I need a pair of black winter shoes, I broke the rules on Sunday and wore open toed shoes. I know! Labor Day has passed. My husband needs some work shoes. He has foot pain problems and has had surgery a few years ago. He has to have good quality shoes and has to replace them often. That will be our biggest expense. After I get all this we should be set for fall.

How about you? Do you have any goals for October? Wanna join me in trying to eat what you have this week? Wanna join me in finding 30 items to get rid of? What ways can you think of to streamline your home and make it easier to manage? If you would like to join in leave a comment.

I am still alive

I am just busy this week. We are working on projects but nothing is to the finished stage. I am stripping the wallpaper in our M bath. My husband has the tile down and has moved the plumbing and light fixtures and replaced the drywall. He has to mud it one more time then I can paint after that dries good.

We leave Sunday to go to Mobile to spend the night at my MIL's house and then leave Monday on our way to Mexico. My MIL is coming here to watch the kids. With football and orthodontic appointments it was easier for her to come here. I always have to leave the house clean anyway so it doesn't change the fact that I have to clean. Do you do that? I can not stand to come home to a messy house. I want fresh sheets and laundry done. I guess I want to impress the robbers.

Finding old friends again

On my tour of Madison someone left a comment. I try to visit the blogs of people who leave a comment so that I can see if I am attracting strange weird people or really cool cute preppy people. I got to the 2nd post back on the blog and she had posted a picture of her husband. I jumped in surprise because I knew him, but you know how there are twins in the world. Have you ever found someone who looks like you? I haven't found anyone so unique looking but have a lady that says her daughter's friend looks just like me. Weird thing number two... I was adopted and met my birth mother. She is from Batesville, Mississippi and guess where this girl is from? Yep. She has to be related. Okay, back to the original subject- I had to scan all the posts to validate that it was friends from our old church in Niceville. Yep, the couple and all TEN of their kids. They only had seven when they moved to California and she got pregnant. God gave them twins and another child after that. If anyone can handle all of them it is this sweet couple. They are so patient and calm. They moved away years ago and have now moved back and are living in Alabama not more that 2 hours from us. They are coming in town Wednesday so we are planning on getting together. Sad part of story. Back then I weighed 120 lbs. I had 3rd child and gained to about 125. They moved away and I gained more and more and more. Chocolate is so good, isn't it? She found my blog about 3 weeks ago and with reading it and seeing photo did not recognize me. Oh, she was very gracious, but I am so fat now it is like I am in a witness relocation program. Friends and family do not recognize me. I could be all aloof and walk right past people I knew in the old days and never speak. Old friends are like old worn in jeans. Comfortable and familiar. They are a reminder of a life long ago when we had the best church in the world. It was the people who all lived their lives together during the week letting kids play, doing crafts, sharing meals, laughing, studying God's word, praying with and for each other. We have a great church now, but life is busy for everyone and it is not the same. I am praying that God will grow us into that again. I am also praying about where I can serve to use my gifts and strengths to build up the body.

SAT testing/ Diet update

I don't know how I will be with my posting this week. We are doing SAT testing with our homeschool group. I am not used to having to get up and dressed and out of the house each morning. Between that and baseball each evening I can't sit on the computer much.

I am really surprised at how I have been able to consider what I eat and really stay focused this time on my diet. I weigh the cost of the food and have made a few allowances to stray a little, but it has been weighed and I don't let it make me decide to give it up and start another day. I went to a friend's house after testing and she had sub sandwiches. I went ahead and ate the sandwich but did not get any chips. I drank water instead of the sweet tea. I hope that I can continue on and get some weight off. I have a few future events that are mile markers. One is my daughter's graduation in May. Then, my 20th anniversary in July. Then, my birthday in August. 40th birthday. I want to start this season of my life thinner and in better shape to enjoy it. I want to hike, ski, wear a bathing suit, and have fun with the kids. All the recent photos since Christmas have shocked me. When I look in the mirror I don't see what I see in the photos. My mirror isn't full length so maybe that is a part of it. It is sad.

Busy Preparing To Go

I just thought I would drop a line to say that I am busy today cleaning and washing and trying to get things ready to leave on Wednesday. I was already feeling like I had a full plate and a friend called and wants to come over. I told her that I would be working on laundry if she didn't mind. I know it will slow me down, but I hate to say no. Hopefully I can get some done. We have baseball tonight so I will lose two hours there.

Do you clean your house spotlessly before you leave. I think it is a curse, but I cannot leave with sheets that are not fresh and laundry undone and until everything clean. I would die if I died and people had to come in and see it messy. I think I drive my husband crazy. And, of coarse, you have to vacuum and wash the car. I didn't think that I had to say that.

Oh, I FOUND MY COUPONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I had told one of my sons, no one has admitted who yet, to put them in the drawer of the end table. I found them in the bookcase cabinet by the fireplace. There is a stack of small drawers in there that I have school supplies in. It is extra supplies so we don't go into it ofter. Well, I was closing the door to the cabinet, because someone left it open, and one of the drawers was open and sitting in the shining spotlight was my coupons. The one time I can thank them for not closing things. Now pick up your socks, I already cleaned this room.