Monday, September 19, 2011

For I Know The Plans I Have For You

Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse. It spoke to me early on in my walk with Jesus and is what I bring up every time I walk through uncertain times. It reminds me that God is for me and has a plan for me. No matter what the circumstances look like at the time, His ways are to prosper me, to keep me from harm, to give me a hope, and a future. I just have to trust Him. To believe He really does love me and want what is best for me.

Today is the day that 25 years ago I buried my Mama. I was a young girl, right at my 18th birthday. I graduated high school 4 months earlier and was working in a dental office. I came home from work and found her lying on the kitchen floor. She had been having problems breathing for a few weeks. Every time she walked a short distance she was out of breath. She went to the doctor and he told her she was overweight and dismissed her. She said she had been overweight for awhile and felt something else was wrong, but had no answers. Her problem was that blood clots had traveled from her legs and settled in her lungs, blocking off her airway.

I knelt down to check her vitals so that I could start CPR, but she murmured, "I am okay," when I grabbed her wrist. She wasn't okay. I called the paramedics and they came. They thought she was hyperventilating and were being stern with her to calm down and breathe into a bag they placed over her mouth. I tried to tell them she had been having problems and wasn't hyperventilating. That is the hardest part of my story... to have the memories stuck within my mind of watching my Mama suffocate, to struggle to breathe. I still remember the look in her eyes, the sounds of her struggling.  The wouldn't let me in the ambulance so I followed behind. When we got to the hospital they came out a couple of times and told me to call some family to be with me. One time the nurse said it didn't look good. I thought she meant she was very sick, not death. It took over an hour for family to arrive. The longest hour of my life as I sat alone waiting. They took us to a room and told us that she had died in the ambulance and they worked on her an hour and couldn't revive her.Wow, in an instant she was gone. My life was changed. Over night I went from being a teenager to an adult, having to care for myself and a home. I no longer had a Mama.

The part of my story that gives me hope is that when this happened I was able to see God's hand in my life for one of the first times I can remember being aware of in a real way. I immediately was able to see how he had prepared me for two years to take care of myself. It started when I was in 11th grade taking my 2nd year of accounting. A lady came to the door and asked my teacher if she had anyone who would work well in a pediatric dental office. My teacher chose me and asked me to come outside the room and they asked if I would be interested in going on the interview. My Mama wasn't thrilled with me working but finally agreed to let me go- probably thinking I wouldn't get the job. I was hired that day and for the rest of the year and next got out of school after lunch and worked each afternoon. I was hired to work up front answering phones, filing charts, and helping out. Being a young girl the kids loved me and so were often found sitting in my lap while they waited their turn. In two weeks they brought me to the back to sit with them while we waited for their mouth to get numb. I began my training as a dental assistant and within the month was fully assisting the doctor.

My precious God had provided for me. My Mama's death was a surprise to me, but not to Him. He had been working in my life for years to prepare me. I had a hope. So, I don't choose to remember my Mama lying on the floor struggling  for her last breath. I remember how she told me daily she loved me. Me, the bratty teenager that rolled my eyes, stood stiff for hugs, talked back, thought she knew it all. Me! Her last words were, "I love you," that morning as I left for work. Just like God she loved me with an everlasting love, no matter what I did. She was much more outgoing that I am. She had an infectuous personality and heart for other people. She was always happy and fun to be around. I've missed much, but have so much to look forward to one day in Heaven.


Marva said...

Holly, I am so sorry that you lost your Momma so young. Praises to god that you will see her again one day in heaven! I love you sweet friend and praise God that he prepared you for who you are today! You are such a blessing and inspiration!

Dawn said...

How awesome that you were able to see the hand of God at such a young age (something many adults have yet to learn) but so sorry it was the tragedy of losing your mama young in life that brought it about. You are, no doubt, a wonderful mother due to the early influence of your mama and her memory lives on through you!

Be blessed, Holly!

heysparky said...

I wish you could have had her longer, but am grateful that you can see God's hand in your life even in the midst of such a personal loss.

Rochelle said...

I love you, and I'm so thankful that I found you again. All these years and I've never forgotten how great a friend you are. I know today was a sad and difficult day as you remembered the day you buried your Mama. I don't know the answers or the words to make it any easier but I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you today and praying for you. Love you bunches.

chaviva1 said...

Thank you for sharing your memories. Thank you God for being the ONE who sees and makes provision for us ahead of time.

Southerner said...

Thank you, ladies, for you sweet comments. I have had the one and only thing in the world since the first day of her death... God's hand to hold me and guide me. Doesn't take away the sadness, but I fix my eyes on Him instead of my feelings. He is awesome!