I am really glad that I took a little time this week to step back and just try to get life a little more under control. I don't feel so squeezed from all directions.
One of my head struggles is something that you know with your head is wrong, but your feelings aren't coming along for the ride. Our church is beginning a building campaign for a new sanctuary. I was asked to serve on the finance committee to raise funds. What I understand is that this our group will come up with ideas of ways to raise funds. I am gathering thoughts and ideas to present when we actually get started.
My struggle has been two fold. My first struggle has been that we gave up extra income to move to Alabama so that we would not have to work extra jobs. We went from having a lot of money left over to a very strict budget again. That is okay with me since I love to be creative and make it work. My problem is that in looking at what we can give to the building fund I do not feel it is anywhere near the amount I would like or feel led to give. I totally trust God to provide and increase our ability and am willing to really sacrifice to give.
This is where my next internal struggle has been. Before I hear from you about how wrong I am, I know my thoughts are wrong, that is why I am struggling. I am trying to find the place and ability to place it before God- AND NOT PICK IT BACK UP! If I am cutting out all external fun things, sacrificing by cooking with less meat and adding rice and beans, and doing without I am seeing my thoughts churn when the ladies at church get their nails done weekly and the men are golfing and I see people going out to eat all the time. Generally, I am struggling with sacrificing and seeing people who aren't. They may be giving 20X what we can and still have money left to do their nails or golf or go out to eat. My spirit wants to say that they should be giving equal sacrifice- it is not the amount given.
There- me in the raw flesh- poured out in all my ugliness. I know that what we give is between us and God, and I should not be concerned with what others give. It is a great opportunity for them to learn how to give and may be an area in their life where God is growing them. Don't you hate it when you know you are wrong, but still have the feelings? I know with some time before God I can find that place to lay it down and I feel that this weekend I have moved in that direction. Hopefully, admitting it in front of the world will help me to deal with it, instead of keeping it hidden.
I am considering looking for a couple of kids to watch after school each day. If I could find a couple in our school district that could ride the bus here then stay until their parents got off work. I thought that that would provide more for us to give. I would also like to begin crafting again when we finish more of the projects around the house. I really want to give with great sacrifice so that our church does not carry a debt for the building. I anxiously wait to see how God builds the building that our church needs. How people are grown and learn to trust God for their needs and sacrifice to give. I am sure there will be many testimonies of faith and God's provision.